Waking up and realizing you’re fat.

I grew up a very skinny girl. Up until my 29th year, I weighed about 95 lbs. All that despite the fact that I eat every 3 hours and my meals are composed of the unhealthiest concoctions available in the market today.

In college, my meals would start at 6AM, followed by a 10AM snack as soon as my first class ended. Then my friends would be astounded by my McDonald’s lunch: Big Mac, spaghetti, french fries, caramel sundae, and apple pie. I tried to lift weights to develop my triceps because I was so skinny, my clothes looked like they were draped on a hanger. That hanger would be me. (My stats then were 33-23-33-35 inches: bust, waist, hips, butt.)

The skinny problem persisted up until my 29th year. Then curves gradually grew in, which I found to be a pleasant development. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed my 110 lbs body.

Then boom!

Suddenly all my relatives were exclaiming about how fat I had become. They thought it happened overnight. One cousin even repeated the words, “You’re so fat!” over and over during one reunion…that is, until I told her to stop.

I didn’t believe I was getting fat until I bent over and accidentally ripped the seat of my pants open. I heard the RIIIIIIIP before I actually felt it.

Exhibit A:

See how big that tear is? At first I told myself that this particular pair is cheap anyway. It was bound to happen, and it was a miracle that it lasted for two years. I was in denial until this happened…

Exhibit B:

The RIIIIIIIIP came as I was jumping up and down to get myself into the pants. I couldn’t believe that I had ruined my favorite jeans. It had been with me for three to four years and had survived my waist growth from 23 to 25 inches.

I think I cried a little when this happened. I can’t even turn this into daisy dukes because it got torn at the crotch area. My favorite pair had been ruined forever.

Can you imagine how many size 25 denims I had stored in my closet? Nearly all my jeans are size 25! I started buying size 27s, but now they’ve also become small. I checked my stats again and the tape measure came up with this: 35-28-35-38 inches (bust, waist, hips, butt).

Not only is this a blow to my ego, it’s also a blow to my wallet. I now have to donate all my size 25s to my sister while I have to buy new ones. Or resort to borrowing my mom’s loose dresses…loose because I’m now much fatter than my mom.

Suddenly, I know how most women feel when they look at models. I used to theoretically condemn our multimedia industry for displaying fake (overly liquefied) models on print and TV ads. Now I passionately dislike them. I also found myself staring at actresses’ thighs and legs and wonder how they keep those gams thin, especially those women who are in their 30s and 40s. I never cared about the figures of actors and actresses before.

In my newly depressed state, I began unearthing my old photos to figure out how much I should lose, which weight I should go back to.

Me and my grandma, waiting for our flight to Bangkok. I was 18 then. Um. Ok, I don’t really want to go back to those bony arms even though my triceps already showed. My cheeks and jawline were also too defined, they made me look older than my current age (I’m in my early 30s now).

My 26th birthday. I want to get back to those abs, that’s for sure. I didn’t have to exercise for them. I could eat anything. But they were well-defined. Since I am an ecto-mesomorph, I had cuts. My high school best friend Cha would even joke about me developing my abs by simply breathing.

Looking at that face, though, I realize that the 26-year-old me still looks older than I am now. So no, I don’t think this is the right weight.

This photo was taken last year, at the Galleria de Magallanes, where my friend Dino lives. I was celebrating Christmas with the VC crew. The green turtleneck I wore defined my newly established curves, which I only enjoyed for two years. See, my cheeks and jawline looked healthy, my arms were normally shaped, I had no love handles. I was still generally thin, but with fat in the right places.

Then the awakening came, when Paul de Vera took my photo at the Soundbytes exhibit last June:

If you click this photo to view the larger image, you’ll notice that I now have the dreaded armpit fat. The arms that I had wanted to fatten up during my college years did fatten up…with cellulite to boot! It’s so disgusting I can’t even bear to zoom this picture in.

I was also shocked to find out that I am now a whopping 120lbs. My friend Cha is 115lbs and even she was shocked that I am now heavier than her, when she used to be the bigger half.

Along with all this weight gain came several health problems. That’s why I’m now cutting back on rice and totally removing meat from my diet. I keep looking for interesting vegetarian places, while making sure I get protein from fish and chicken. I’m also on the lookout for a good way to exercise because I don’t really want to go to the gym. Just looking at those equipment makes me feel lethargic already.

Anyway, I will be chronicling my road to better health. Wish me luck!

13 Comments

  1. bleubug

    September 27, 2010 at 1:09 am

    I always hate the way people are forced into thinking they are too fat or too this or too that by images in popular culture. I like people to have good reason for wanting to change and health is certainly valid. Best of luck to you and I hope you reach your goal.

  2. skysenshi

    September 27, 2010 at 1:13 am

    @TAO
    Thanks! Besides health, the fact that I now have to blow my budget on new, larger-sized wardrobe is depressing. šŸ™

    I do hope I achieve my goal of going back to 110 lbs. Or else, I'd have to borrow my mom's huge dresses because I don't have enough funds to splurge on new clothes. šŸ™

    And yeah, I realized I hate being called fat.

  3. The Reluctant Stylista

    September 27, 2010 at 1:33 am

    I don't think anyone likes to be called fat, even thin people who like to gain weight. Unless it was said “Uy tumaba/nagkalaman ka!” as opposed to “Taba mo” kasi the latter sounds accusing! Generally I like hearing that I gained weight, just not on places I don't want them to be. Of course, I totally like it if I gained boobs, but by now I've lost them again. Oh well, it's really not meant to be haha!

  4. skysenshi

    September 27, 2010 at 1:44 am

    Here's the funny thing, though. When I look at regular people, I seem to be thinner. But I don't find their bodies disgusting. They look…normal to me.

    It's only when I look at the mirror that I am disgusted with myself…

  5. Rowena Wendy Lei

    September 27, 2010 at 1:57 am

    Sama ako sa weight loss program. ;_;

  6. skysenshi

    September 27, 2010 at 2:29 am

    I'm thinking of taking up yoga. It will help relax my mind and train my body. But I need to find the cheapest way to do it. Haha!

  7. *MrsMartinez*

    September 27, 2010 at 3:37 am

    Bea
    I like reading your blog because I discover new words like gams and ecto- mesomorph! I seriously checked on my mac's dictionary for their meaning haha I call your “dreaded armpit fat”, flabby arms lol
    Good luck
    xoxo
    MrsM

  8. skysenshi

    September 27, 2010 at 3:39 am

    Hahaha, glad I could help in the vocabulary department. Although I learned some of the words through my friends who are obsessed with dieting. Haha!

  9. Andy Uyboco

    September 28, 2010 at 10:00 am

    I lost some weight at the start of this year by eliminating rice from my diet, although I've now gained some back (but not all, thank goodness). It's hard not to eat here in Davao where my favorite foods are.

    I've had to buy some clothes that were smaller too so that's my main motivation now for not gaining back all the weight I lost. Otherwise, sayang ung new clothes. šŸ˜€

  10. skysenshi

    September 28, 2010 at 4:13 pm

    @Andy
    What are you going to do with those clothes if you can't get back to the old weight? XD

  11. skysenshi

    September 28, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Here's the funny thing, though. When I look at regular people, I seem to be thinner. But I don't find their bodies disgusting. They look…normal to me.

    It's only when I look at the mirror that I am disgusted with myself…

  12. Passionate Blogger

    September 29, 2010 at 12:54 am

    I don't think you look fat, you look great. I guess sometimes we are truly fat, sometimes we just feel fat. It's a matter of perception. I've gained almost 10kg since 1997 but I don't feel fat. I feel bigger. Standing at almost 6 feet, is 80kg fat? I am still able to play badminton, futsal & jog around. But I do need to cut on the fat, though, and the yummy Indian food…

  13. skysenshi

    September 29, 2010 at 2:54 am

    @Passionate Blogger
    Well, at 6ft, I think you're light at 80kg. The badminton, futsal & jogging must have something to do with it.

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