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I am actually quite thankful that I can whine about this nightmare of a semester. It means I’m alive. I can feel something.  Horror, anger, resentment, nervousness, happiness — basically, a whole gamut of feelings that I thought I had stopped having.

I am almost tempted to have myself checked to see if I’m clinically depressed. In areas outside of UP, I feel nothing. No burning passion for the things I used to enjoy and the things I used to hate. Just that numb, empty existence that I drag myself into everyday and that dull sense of wanting to sleep forever. To summarize: BLEH.

Like I mentioned several times before, I can only describe it in this mainstream fashion: Bella losing Edward in New Moon, resulting to pages that only had months inscribed in them. UP is my Jacob. I only function because of UP.  To quote Bella from the movie, “He makes me feel better. I mean, he makes me feel alive. The hole in my chest… well, when I’m with Jake it’s like it’s almost healed for a while.”

And from Chapter 9 of the book: “There was nothing left in my life at this point that was more important than Jacob Black. But he seemed determined to ruin everything.”

I must be in real dire straits if I’m quoting from a “literary” series that I had forced myself to read.  But until I reunite with my Chi again, my story only revolves around UP now. 

Nath, who’s doing his dissertation, asked how we were doing and I told him that we had two Dr. SNSD subjects — all the upperclassmen hate SNSD — and one UP-CAL professor from hell. He replied that he would’ve preferred any terror prof than to have two SNSD subjects.

I then went on to elaborate: “Ah, but this Dr. Tomoe, she’s like Dr. SNSD meets Dr. Darkness on a bad day.  She requires more than Dr. SNSD‘s amount of work and her somber cloud makes Dr. Darkness seem sane. Note that Dr. Darkness has good days, when she can smile while being unreasonable. This one does not, her default is angry. Her mood swings from angry to angrier.”

When I met up with Nath again, he was shocked to hear me say: “I am enjoying Dr. SNSD‘s class immensely. See this grin on my face? That’s for my successful report on Communication Networks. And I now have a newfound respect for all the UP-CMC professors…including Dr. Darkness.” He then concludes that Dr. Tomoe must have messed us up so bad we’re finding pleasure in the most reviled subjects of UP-CMC.

Incidentally, Julienne is also taking her cognate at the UP-CAL and she describes it as pure happiness.  There are a lot of readings, as expected of PhD classes, but they’re readily available and the mentor invites exhilirating discussions centered on discourse.  I shall look for Dr. Lucero, her professor, next time.  When I took a cognate from UP-CAL, I thought I would have truly inspirational professors, the likes of Pia Arboleda (my original Teacher Ganda).  I guess I should do my research next time. The course, Literature and the Social Sciences, may be something I am truly interested in…but in the hands of the wrong mentor, it could lose its luster.

I also have to work on my energy levels in Dr. Tomoe’s FC room.  I always feel zapped of it — like I’d be having minor headaches and fever — whenever I’m there.  This is a game where I still have yet to figure out if I should block her or heal her.  If I block her, I will have difficulty absorbing what she’s teaching.  The woman is brilliant, even if the devil sent her. If I heal her, on the other hand, I will be putting myself at risk…

In retrospect, though, I should be thankful for Dr. Tomoe. She reminds me that I’m alive…by making me wish I were dead.